


Build Me Back Up

by brokendrums



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-10-16
Updated: 2012-10-16
Packaged: 2017-11-16 10:07:06
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 15,317
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/538319
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/brokendrums/pseuds/brokendrums
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Future!fic. Liam's attempts at a solo career beyond One Direction are failing and he hasn't spoken to any of them in two years, until Niall is drafted in to help him in the studio.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Build Me Back Up

Liam can almost say with 100% conviction that he hates his life at the moment. 

It's dull and grey, just a typical rainy November morning in London when Liam steps out of his house. He has to pull his coat tighter around his neck against the cold and dreams of the sun of Florida or Sydney. The steps are wet but not slippery yet and Liam sort of distantly misses the days when they were full of over eager thirteen year olds who had stalked him until they had found his address. It's a fleeting thought because he remembers straight after how annoying they actually all were and how difficult it was getting his weekly shop in. 

It's been years since there was anyone following him down aisles in a shop to ask for his autograph or stopping him on the street for a photo. He tries not to think about it often because it normally sends him in a tailspin, pining for the two or three great years he had with the band and then regretting the shitstorm of a year that came straight after. When he dwells on it, Liam sometimes wishes he had never tried out for X Factor at all, never met those four boys and never fell in love with one of them. 

It only takes him thirty minutes to get to the record company - even in the late morning traffic and he's early as usual. Without Paul or an army of personal assistants he's become paranoid that he's going to be late, his calendar is always beeping at him to do something. Those are good days, the bad days are when he turns his phone on silent and hides it down the side of the sofa so he can ignore all the commitments he's avoiding. He spends the whole day eating cereal out of the box because he's let the milk go sour again and watching reruns of Teen Mom and Jeremy Kyle. Normally it's only when his mother phones him on the landline three days later and tells him to get in the shower does he actually hunt for his phone again and catch up on everything he's missed. He's embarrassed to admit that this happens quite regularly. 

Joe, his main manager, is already there. There's a big conference table but Liam hasn't seen more than two or three members of the record company there since One Direction still existed. He sits down at the end, opposite Joe who kind of smiles at him but it looks more like a wince. 

"What's this about?" Liam asks because he's always nervous whenever they pull him in for a meeting. Joe just 'hmmms' and shuffles through the moleskin notebook he carries around with him everywhere. 

"Liam, look I don't think our current plan is working." Joe tells him once he's placed his fancy fountain pen down on the table. Liam feels an icy surge of dread settle in his stomach, he had been fearing this.

"Why not." Liam chokes out because he can't let this happen. He can't fail again. 

"To be blunt, we think that you're taking too long writing your own material." Joe starts. Liam opens his mouth to object because he promised himself that this time he would do it properly, this time he would write his own songs and see it all become successful on his own merit. Joe stops him before he can get a word out. 

"I know it's been a rough year Liam, but it has been a year." He tells him, tone uncharacteristically gentle. "And I think we should revisit the idea of letting someone come in and help you, actually get you in the studio and started...because if you don't, then we might have to drop you." 

Liam can't look at him in the eye. There's a stinging at the back of his throat and his ears feel like bursting under the rush of blood in them. They're going to drop him if he doesn't agree to this. He steals himself, breathing deeply and risking a watery glance up at Joe, who smiles at him carefully, fingers gone back to fiddling with his fancy pen. 

"Who were you thinking about?" Liam asks because for some reason he hates himself and needs to hear him say it. He can predict the name that he's about to hear but that doesn't make it feel any better. Joe winces slightly, because he manages Harry too and was running getting coffee when the band was breaking up so he knows a bit of the back story that no one is supposed to know except the five of them. 

"We were thinking of getting Niall." He tells him, tone calm to soften the blow. Liam takes a deep inhale and glances down at the shiny table in front of him. His fingers are curled into tight fists in front of him, knuckles turning white he's squeezing so hard. He takes a moment to unclench them, the effort calming him until he's able to look Joe in the eye. 

"Yeah that's fine." Liam bites out even though he would rather have anyone else on the planet but he's got no other choice, they've been trying to get him to work with Niall for months and Liam had refused, but they've finally offered him an ultimatum and he can't really refuse any longer. 

The shock is clear on Joe’s face that he's actually agreed but once he comes to himself he rifles through his notebook before he tears out a tiny corner and slides it over the mahogany. "That's his number now, it would be better for you to ring him don't you think? Send you used to be friends and all that?" 

Friends is a bit of an understatement, Liam’s stomach rolls at the thought of how much further Niall and his relationship had developed before they all stopped speaking. Liam was in love with him, and he knew it but then Liam ruined it all and lost him. His mouth’s gone dry but he feels his neck bending into a nod on it's own accord and he's somehow snatching the paper with his hand and looking down at the cramped number scrawled over the lines. 

"Organise something for maybe next Tuesday if he's available, the studios booked all next week anyway. He should be about, he stops recording with Harry tomorrow." Joe tells him, gathering up his papers and pens and standing up. Liam winces again at the sound of Harry's name but Joe hardly notices, his job here done and his mind already on the next task. 

"Yeah." Liam nods when Joe looks at him expectantly, standing up himself and pulling on his coat, number tucked carefully into his pocket. "I'll see you later." 

*

Three days, two boxes of Special K and a long phone call to his mother later Liam finally picks up his phone and calls Niall. It rings for impossibly long and Liam thinks more than once of hanging up, but he would just have to ring him again and Liam doesn't know if he could deal with the embarrassment of telling Niall he had phoned and hung up on him. 

"'Lo?" Comes Niall's recognisable voice over the phone and Liam nearly swallows his tongue. Niall clears his throat and tries again. "Hello?"

"Hi." Liam finally manages to spit out and he closes his eyes in mortification, he had planned this to be strictly professional but now hearing Niall's voice for the first time in nearly two years his mind has gone blank.

"Hey." Niall says friendly enough. "I'm really sorry but I don't have your number saved in my phone, who is this?" 

Liam can't say anything, it's like his mouth literally will not work. He takes a deep breath but Niall starts talking again. 

"This breathing down the phone thing is really cool." He says and sounds less like he's joking. There's laughter from behind him and Liam's heart speeds up because he could recognise that laugh anywhere as well. Knowing that he’s with Harry just makes Liam’s nerves twinge. 

"It's Liam." Liam finally speaks and he has to clear his throat because it didn't really work that time. "Liam, sorry." 

"Liam." Niall says slowly. "Liam as in our Liam." 

Liam's stomach twists at being called that and he fights the urge to give into his overwhelming need to cry. 

"Em yeah." Liam tries to laugh it off but it sounds robotic even to his own ears. "It's been a while hasn't it?" 

"Yeah." Niall agrees. There's a rustle of noise and Liam can nearly imagine him standing up and walking so he's on the other side of the door to where Harry is. He's suddenly surrounded in silence and Liam only realises how noisy the background had been previously. "What's up?" 

He says it so easily that Liam feels a pang of jealousy at Niall's ability to not give a shit that Liam is just calling him up out of the blue after all this time. If it were him he would be having an acute panic attack - he isn't ruling it out that he's having one now. He doesn’t know how Niall can chat to him easily as if they saw each other yesterday. 

"Liam." Niall prompts him gently. "Everything alright?" 

"Yeah yeah." Liam perks up his voice to sound more upbeat. "I got your number off Joe, at Syco, he uh - manages me at the moment."

"Oh yeah." Niall responds and Liam can imagine him nodding along. He's probably pacing as well. 

"Well he uh - suggested that you should work with me a bit on a few tracks. I've been working on it for a while I suppose and it's sort of - stopped working at the minute." Liam feels embarrassed actually telling someone who isn't his parents or sisters about this. Niall makes a noise to show that he's still there and Liam is forced to continue.

"He mentioned that you were uh - finished with your current commitments and maybe you could fit me in some time next week. If you aren't busy that is. Actually, only if you want to of course. I understand if you don't." He finishes in a flustered rush because apparently his brain to mouth filter isn't working that well today. 

Niall stays quiet for a moment as if he's weighing up the offer. 

"Sure, that sounds fun." Niall tells him and Liam can hear the first hint of hesitancy in his voice, it relieves him somewhat to know that maybe Niall isn’t taking this as amazing as Liam previously thought. They haven‘t spoken in a while and the last time they did it wasn‘t left on the best of terms. "I should be free all next week."

"That's -" Liam tries to think of a word. "Great." He settles on and winces at how hollow his own voice sounds. Niall snorts so Liam knows that he's been busted. 

"Sure Liam, I know you‘re thrilled." Niall tells him with a hint of sarcasm. "Do you want to maybe meet up for coffee or lunch or something beforehand so we're not delving right into the studio?"

Liam is torn for a moment but he shakes his head when panic threatens to overwhelm him at the thought. "No thanks. I'll just see you next week." 

There's a pause at Niall's end again before a sigh. "Ok Liam. See you later." 

Liam hangs up before Niall's even finished so he doesn't have to give his own goodbye. He throws his phone across the sofa and a cushion on top of it, his mind racing at what he's just done. He’s going to have to see him in the flesh when Liam has went to ridiculous lengths to avoid him, and the rest of them, at all costs in the past. Liam settles back into the cushions, closing his eyes and breathing shallowly to try and make the nausea pass.

*

Liam nearly chickens out, hovering at the door to the studio before he builds up enough courage to finally push the door open and step inside. Niall is sitting in one of the swivel chairs in front of the mixing board, he has a guitar over his knee and his foot propped up on the dash. His head is flung back and he's laughing loudly at something one of the techs said. Liam freezes, he wishes he had taken up Niall's offer of coffee before hand - maybe this wouldn't be so awkward. Niall kicks off the table and the chair rolls over towards him.

"Hiya Liam." He grins, not an ounce of worry or nerves visible. Liam hates him for an irrational moment. 

"Hello." Liam sighs and settles into one of the chairs beside him. Niall strums a chord and turns back to whatever he was doing before Liam arrived. It's so much like the old Niall that Liam feels odd. Like he's been transported in time and the other boys will walk in the door any minute, back to when he and Niall had been together and before the cracks within the five of them got too big to ignore. He looks good, like he’s hardly aged, just a little older when Liam feels ten years older than he is. He’s wearing a blue jumper, pulled tight over his shoulders and slimming down to his waist and black jeans that make his legs look impossibly long. Liam can’t look at him for too long or else he’ll just want to stare. 

Niall finishes writing his notes and spins on his chair to face him again, lips turned up in an ever present grin. 

“So what have you been working on then?” Niall asks expectantly. Liam feels an embarrassed flush creep up his neck but Niall just smiles gently at him. “I listened to a few of the demos you‘ve worked on. Joe sent them over.”

“Oh God.” Liam murmurs before clamping his lips shut and gritting his teeth. Niall laughs good naturedly at him and spins so he can fiddle with one of the knobs. He doesn’t pass comment on them but Liam knows himself that they’re a bit rubbish. They had been recorded so long ago, back at the start of the year when he had been excited about getting back into the recording side of things after taking an extended break. Niall shrugs, hitting a button and Liam’s cheeks flame when his own voice comes over the speakers, raw without the editing and Liam realises that Niall has stripped most of it down so it’s just his voice. 

“I like the melody.” Niall tells him with a smile as Liam‘s voice goes into the chorus. It sounds choppy and Liam cringes. “But the lyrics need more work and I think you need to redo the guitar on it, probably the whole backing instrumental - maybe add some piano in.” 

He hit’s another knob and Liam watches him work his way across the recording board and wonders how he got so good at this. He must have said it out loud because Niall is shrugging, trying to hide his smile but Liam can tell that deep down he’s proud of himself. 

“Got tired of doing nothing for a living.” Niall explains easily. “So I came back to London, hooked up with a few people and started learning, it was simple after that. The only hard bit is getting people to think I’m credible.” He shrugs again like this doesn’t even bother him. “They all think I want to auto-tune the shit out of everything.” Niall laughs, twisting a knob so some of the backing vocals come in and Liam can hear his own voice trying to harmonize over the end of the chorus. 

Liam can’t quite relax but he eases into the back of his cheer, bag finally making it’s way off his lap as he watches Niall hit a button and the song plays again. Niall frowns, replaying a section before reaching for a notebook, tongue poked out in concentration as he starts listing the things Liam has to do to improve it. He’s got them written down, like an itinerary and Liam likes how organised he is. It’s easy to pretend that they’re just strictly professionals like this - that there isn’t years of emotional history between them. 

Niall grins at him suddenly, pushing a piece of paper towards him. Liam looks down at Niall’s handwriting, still familiar after all this time, loopy and slanting slightly the opposite way to his. It’s a few short lines, making up a verse. He recognises what used to be his lyrics but Niall has rewrote them and already they look much better than his own. 

“Let’s get started then.” Niall grins at him hopefully. “I really fancy something out of that Thai place at the corner of the street. We can nail this verse before lunchtime.” 

Liam very much doubts it, the recording booth is daunting to him now that there isn’t four other boys messing about to distract him. It all rides on him and the knowledge that if he can’t carry off the song it’s all his fault always scares him. Niall gives him another reassuring grin before he kicks at the wheels of Liam’s chair, pushing him a few inches towards the dark door in the corner. 

“C’mon.” Niall urges him. “Let’s just see if they work after that chorus. You’ll be great, nothing to worry about, promise.” 

And that’s all Liam needs to hear, legs already moving he slips off his chair and walks toward the microphone with a deep breath.

*

"Liam you're like the Gary Barlow of One Direction." Ruth tells him on Saturday afternoon. Molly, her little girl is running round in circles in the living room and Liam keeps glancing over at her to make sure she doesn't trip and whack her head on the corner of the coffee table. Ruth doesn't seem to mind, reaching across the kitchen counter to squidge at Liam's cheek the way she used to do when he was eleven. He shrugs her off, spinning on his heel to flick on the kettle and busy himself pulling out mugs from the cupboard. Her jibes aren't doing much to boost his morale and its times like these he curses the fact that she moved down to London to be closer to him. 

"But less successful." She laughs, not maliciously but it still stings. She hands him the milk, glancing in at his sparse fridge. “His solo career was a bit of a flop too wasn’t it?“ 

Liam glares at the back of her head but doesn’t say anything, pouring water over the teabags.

“You should really start doing more shopping Liam. You’re twenty six, I think you need to branch out to other types of food rather than cereal some time soon.” 

Liam nods, not really listening to her anymore. She normally only comes to his house to criticise him anyway. He adds in sugar as she moves about behind him. 

“So.” Ruth sighs, sliding onto the counter beside him. “I saw a few photos of you on the internet recently.”

Liam looks up. He wasn’t aware of any photos online. It used to be such a huge part of his life, fan photos and the paparazzi following you about when you weren’t looking but lately he‘s hardly mentioned anywhere so he‘s fallen out of the routine of checking. 

“Oh yeah?” He asks handing her a mug of tea before blowing on the lip of his own mug and settling against the counter opposite her. 

“Yeah.” She smiles softly, all her mocking bravado gone and Liam feels as if she’s going to start being serious for once. “You were with Niall.” 

Liam freezes, mind spinning through the last fortnight and all the time he had spent time with Niall outside the studio where someone could take their photo. He supposes he shouldn’t be surprised, Niall, even though he isn’t recording for himself anymore, is still very much in the public eye. They had fallen into a semi friendship, still strictly in the professional sense but Liam was finally able to relax into it now and slowly they were slipping back to LiamandNiallbestfriends as they walk back and forth between the little Thai restaurant Niall has fallen in love with down the street from the studio.

“Yeah.” Liam nods. “He’s helping me with some songs at the moment.” 

Ruth raises her eyebrow, sipping on her tea slowly but Liam can see in her eyes that she’s formulating a few questions. 

“And you’re ok with this? Is he ok with it?” She asks once she’s swallowed. “You looked quite chummy in the photos.” 

Liam shrugs, setting his mug down carefully because his hands are starting to shake and he‘d rather not spill hot tea all over his fingers. 

“Niall is always ok with everything.” He shrugs noncommittally, even though he knows that isn’t technically true, as much as Niall acts like everything is rosy - Liam can read him better than that, well he used to be able to anyway. “He’s just helping me out.”

“I don’t know exactly what happened all that time ago.” Ruth starts off slowly, reaching across so she can loop her fingers through Liam’s hand where it’s lying beside the kettle. “But I know that you were very upset when…” Liam squeezes her fingers in return. “When it ended.” 

Liam nearly winces. He had tried to get away with telling his family the briefest of details about what had gone on between him and Niall. That in the most basic terms they had fallen in love, regardless of the band around them and the fact that Liam was in a very serious relationship with a girl back in London who he was pretty sure he loved just as much.

“We were together for a bit.” Liam answers honestly, his voice sounds thick to his own ears. “And then we weren’t.” 

“What happened?” Ruth asks quietly and Liam sighs, heart already feeling heavy in his chest. 

“The band was beginning to fall apart.” Liam tells her, unable to look at her face so he stares at the milky surface of his tea. “And Danielle was still in the picture and I was getting very confused and stressed. Niall was… Niall was taking it the way he takes everything - like everything will work out in the end and it was very frustrating. He thought I was taking him for granted and it began to get a bit heated so I went to stay with Danielle for a while when we were off tour, which Niall wasn’t very happy about.” Ruth’s eyebrows are furrowing as she tries to keep up but Liam won’t slow down his speech, trying to get it all out quickly so he doesn’t have to think about it too much. “He was right though, I was stringing them both along.” 

Liam feels a roll of guilt settle in his stomach, mixing with regret. “I couldn’t keep it up anymore so I came clean to Danielle just around the same time the band collapsed. And well so did me and Niall.” 

Ruth nods but doesn’t say anything. Her eyes are very big and round and Liam can’t meet them, staring at the marble of his kitchen work top and trying to fight the embarrassed colour staining his cheeks. 

“And then I wasn’t speaking to any of them.” Liam sighs, throat tightening as he thinks of how childish and stubborn he had been. “And we grew apart and it was getting harder for me to just call them up and apologize or fix it so I never did. And now I’m here, all alone in London.” 

Ruth is hugging him before he’s even finished so he relaxes into her arms and sighs softly. 

“It’s just been a long time.” He mutters into her shoulder. “I convinced myself that I would never see him again, never mind start to become friends with him.” 

“And nothing more?” Ruth whispers in a way that makes Liam’s gut clench. He’ll always have feelings for Niall and it is much easier to ignore them when he never has to see him or deal with them. He would be lying if he said that some of them hadn’t resurfaced in the past few weeks but he’s been trying to work through them rationally, swallowing them down until they hardly feel real.   
Ruth rubs his neck when he doesn’t answer, just presses a kiss to his forehead.

“It’ll all sort itself out.” She tells him in her best impression of their mum. “Now, eat something decent for dinner and work hard at the studio tomorrow. I’ll speak to you tomorrow.” 

“Will do.” Liam blinks down at the kitchen tiles when she hugs his shoulders again before she turns to gather up Molly and disappear out the front door. 

Liam waits a few moments before he tears into the living room, pulling up google to find the pictures of them recently. They look good, it nearly pains Liam to look at them but they’re on the street, Niall is drinking out of a bottle of water and even in the far away shot he can see the crinkle around his own eyes as he watches Niall swallow. His stare is so obvious and Liam feels a wave of embarrassment for how blatant his pining must be. He knows that Niall will have seen these photos and he has to close his eyes at how humiliated he suddenly feels. 

*

A card lands in his hallway amongst his other bills on a blustery December morning. He's already late to meet with Niall so he shoves his whole bundle of post into the side of his bag when he leaves the house. Niall is running through something, tweaking levels and sliding at the switches that Liam never understood the purpose of as the guitarist jumps in on the guitar riff for the fifth time that morning. 

"It's coming along great." He beams up at him when Liam drops into the seat beside him. Liam nods, pulling open his bag and starting on the post. The recording process had gotten steadily more boring to Liam as he was given less tasks to do. Niall had told him to start working on the lyrics but his mind goes blank as soon as Niall pushes a notebook towards him so he spends his days listening to Niall tinkering away on his guitar and direct the session musicians to do exactly what he wants. 

“What are you doing this weekend?” Niall asks him, spinning on his chair and strumming out a chord that contrasts with the guitarist in the booth. Liam shrugs, ripping into an electric bill and glancing over the letter. 

“Nothing planned. I’ll probably have Molly on Saturday. Why?” Liam asks, folding the letter and ripping the envelope up before moving onto the next one, this time for the gas. 

Niall looks nervous for a moment before he clears his throat and looks down at the strings of his guitar. “Harry’s throwing a party for the release of his new single. He asked me if you wanted to go.” 

Liam’s finger slips and the edge of the paper slices through his thumb. He groans and sucks on his thumb, looking up at Niall with wide eyes. He had nearly forgotten about Harry’s single. It had been released on Monday and had been getting so much radio play that Liam had stuck solely to his iPod when he was out in the car so he doesn’t have to hear it. Out of earshot, out of mind. 

“Louis and Zayn are coming down for it.” Niall murmurs, barely audible over the hum of the computers and the conversations some of the techs are having over at the other side of the studio. 

Liam feels like his head is spinning. He reaches for the next envelope and rips it open. It’s a Christmas card, indigo blue with a delicate snowman sketched out in thin glistening white ink. It‘s beautiful, obviously handmade and when he flips it open his heart nearly stops. It’s from Zayn, he should have guessed. Every year he gets a Christmas card from him, the only contact he has with him all year.

“Oh.” Niall breathes when Liam nearly drops the card, blood from his thumb smearing over the corner of it as he shakily puts it onto the stack of post again. 

“I don’t -” Liam cuts off because his voice sounds weird. “I don’t think that’s a good idea.” 

“Why?” Niall asks, eyebrows furrowing and he reaches out to touch the corner of the card. “Why can’t we all be friends again?” 

Liam wants to curl up into himself, preferably in his bed with some trashy TV on in the background and forget all about this conversation but Niall seems to have other plans, opening his mouth to speak again.

“I can’t.” Liam sighs, sucking the beads of blood off his thumb again. Niall’s face falls, like he had been hoping that Liam would miraculously change his mind within a few minutes. “The only reason this has been working.” Liam waves his bloody finger between them and Niall follows it with a wary expression. “Is because it’s to do with work.”

Niall’s face falls further if that was even possible, he turns his head, frowning down at the desk in front of him and Liam’s chest twists at the hurt that flashes across his face. It’s the truth Liam tells himself, whether that’s right or not. He can’t be friends with the others, too much has been said and too much time has passed. He suspects that Zayn is only being polite when he sends a card, the note inside getting steadily smaller each year as the important things between them to be shared dwindles. The only reason he and Niall are getting on at the minute is because it’s strictly professional and he absolutely, under no circumstances is beginning to have feelings for him again.

“Right let’s get back to work then.” Niall mutters, all excitement devoid from his voice and Liam knows that he’s said the wrong thing, because he is wrong and all those things are happening. Niall fiddles with a slider before punching a button with a little more force than absolutely necessary.

“Let’s run through this again.” He snaps into the microphone and the track is played again on a loop, the guitarist nodding and starting to play again. 

*

“Look.” Niall slurs over the phone. He had called nearly an hour ago and Liam has only worked up the courage to listen to the voicemail now. It’s after 4 in the morning and Liam is curled in the middle of the bed wishing that someone was lying beside him, mind whirring at what Niall is going to say. He’s obviously drunk, the noise of the party in the background muffled from wherever he’s standing, his voice slurred and more heavily accented. “I’m just phoning you to say that I think you’re wrong. You’re wrong and you’re being silly and I don’t like it. Of course we can all be friends again! We can get past all that rubbish that went on back then and we can be friends. I like it when we’re all friends because Liam I miss you. I miss you and the other boys miss you and I miss you so much.”

He pauses to burp and Liam manages to smile at that even though it feels like his insides are going to burst out of his mouth. 

“And I don’t think we’re just friends again through the studio.” Niall’s voice is more melancholy than before and Liam feels a pang at that. “I think we’re friends because no matter what I love you and you loved me.” He hiccups and Liam thinks his heart just about stops. “And I will always want to be your friend.” 

The door opens in the background and a whoosh of noise follows so Liam misses a few of Niall’s words. He pauses and talks to who ever has walked in before the door closes again and they‘re back to he muffled quiet. 

“I’m going to go now.” His voice is all wobbly and Liam is struck dumb nearly with no idea what to do. If Niall cries Liam doesn‘t know if he‘ll be able to handle it. “Maybe throw up and then Harry’s going to put me to bed.” 

There’s a rumble of a chuckle suddenly close and Liam‘s stomach turns over. 

“Hang up the phone now babe.” But it’s not Harry’s voice, it’s Zayn’s, smooth and just like he remembered. 

“Ok.” Niall sighs through the phone. “I have to go now. I’ll see you on Monday at the studio where we’re allowed to be friends. Isn’t that right Liam? The only place we can be friends is at work. Bye bye, night night.” There’s a smack of a kiss, a split second of Zayn laughing and then dead silence. Liam stares at his ceiling for a moment before he presses replay and listens to it all again. 

*

_Sorry N xx_

* 

"How'd you get a key?" Liam asks, voice still half a croak because Niall has just woken him up. There's a slice of light shining through his half open curtains and he presumes that it must be mid afternoon.

"Hello to you too." Niall snaps at him. Liam's stomach flips because Niall's angry, Niall looks angry and he's never really experienced that before, even when One Direction was going down the shitter and everyone was fighting left right and centre, Niall still hid all his emotions under a blanket of optimism and sunny bright feelings. 

"Why are you here?" Liam grunts, rolling over to press his face into the back of the sofa. He feels Niall’s hand on his shoulder, forcibly rolling him over again. Liam stares up at him, trying to glare but Niall looks too angry and he doesn’t want to piss him off anymore.

“You’ve been avoiding my phonecalls and you never turned up this morning.” Niall states stepping back so he can sit up. His head is thumping and he probably needs to shower. Niall looks a little repulsed but doesn't move from where he's towering over him. 

"What's wrong with you?" 

"Don't feel well." Liam answers automatically, shuffling to the edge of the sofa. There's a glass of water on the coffee table but he would have to lean past Niall's legs to get it so he settles on just staring at it so it he doesn't have to meet Niall's gaze. 

"Bullshit." There's a bite to his voice that makes Liam wince. "You're wallowing. Your mum warned me of this." 

Liam looks up sharply. How dare his mum tell Niall anything, what on earth was he ringing her for anyway?

"I had to get Ruth’s address to get a key." Niall explains moving away as if he read his mind. Liam tries to act casual but he can't get his hands on the glass quick enough. 

"It's just - " Liam falters and takes a deep breath. Niall is looking at him expectantly and it's making him nervous. What can he say? I'm annoyed that Harry fucking Styles got number 1 yesterday evening. And that you helped him do it. That the night before you drunk dialled him and proclaimed your love to him again. "It's silly. Never mind." He says instead. 

Niall narrows his eyes at him but settles into the armchair next to the window. He suddenly looks as nervous as Liam feels and he watches him fidget with the seam of his jeans for a moment. 

“I - uh - thought maybe you weren’t talking to me because of what I said on the phone on Saturday night.“ Niall confesses. There’s a blush dusting over his cheeks and Liam thinks it looks really pretty even though he looks mortified. “I don‘t really remember it all -“ Liam nearly laughs, he‘s listened to it so many times by now that he could nearly quote it word for word. “Zayn told me some of the things I said and I do mean them but I probably shouldn’t have told you in that way, or uh, at all.“ 

He gives Liam a timid smile before he looks back at his knees. “So I wanted to apologise in person in case whatever I said was out of line.“ 

“No.“ Liam tells him making Niall to look up at him from behind his floppy fringe. The glass feels heavy in his hands so he sets it down carefully onto the coffee table. “It’s ok.“ 

Niall nods, relief washing over his features for a moment. His eyes flick over Liam and he suddenly feels a bit self conscious, he reaches up to ruffle at his hair and glances back to Niall just as he reaches back awkwardly to pull at the blinds so they open and Liam's eyes can track the way his back bends, his shirt creeping up a few inches over his pale stomach and exposing a slice of skin that he'd quite like to lick. His mouth goes dry and he knows he's staring so he jumps to his feet, lurching off to the kitchen without another word. 

"Shower and I'll take you for dinner." Niall calls from where he's now fiddling with the Christmas tree in the corner and changing the topic. "Seriously you need to start eating properly." 

His concern is baffling for a moment. He hovers in the doorway of the kitchen just taking a few deep breaths. He knows that Niall can't see him from here and he needs a moment to collect himself. He's not really sure what's he's collecting it for but he can't deny it anymore, his feelings for Niall are definitely slamming back like they had never properly left him in the first place.

“We can go to that Italian place that you used to love.” Niall tells him, appearing in the hallway. He gives him a querying look before smiling at him and disappearing back into the living room. Liam marvels at how nervous Niall had been a moment ago but now just appears to be completely relaxed. “We can get tiramisu!”

Liam laughs, the first time he’s wanted to all day, finally shaking himself enough to go to the shower. 

*

Dinner is quiet. Niall finds them a table at the back of the little Italian restaurant that Liam has taken him to before. It’s not far so they just walked, slipping in before the dinner rush. It’s quite dark, smelling of garlic and filled with flickering candle light. Niall orders half the menu but Liam doesn’t mind, picking out something that Niall hasn’t ordered but knows will steal half of anyway. 

They share garlic bread, and Liam makes an effort to listen as Niall tells him about the party and how Harry celebrated his number one single. Niall giggles into his pasta about the song but Liam can tell he’s proud that he’s got to number one and Liam supposes he should be happy for their success, except there’s a tiny part of him that still irrationally hates him for it. 

Niall steals his chicken as expected but slides some of his meal onto Liam’s plate in response to his frown. They split a tiramisu with a spoon each and Liam tries not to remember the last time they were here, sharing the same spoon and feeding each other rich desert. 

Niall walks him home. It's mild, not bad for this late in the year. The streetlights have bathed everything in a yellow orangey glow. Liam can't concentrate on the conversation, his belly full of good food and mood lifted by Niall’s laugh. His mind is all muddled and every time he glances over at Niall his breath catches in his throat and he nearly stumbles on his own two feet. 

They reach his house, the path deserted as they climb the stairs. He fumbles with his keys and Niall's hand is suddenly there, fingers over his as he guides them into the lock. Liam has to force himself to exhale or he is at high risk of fainting. Liam wants to invite him in, wants to push him against the doorframe and kiss his breath away, wants to slam the door in his face and never see him again. The words are stuck in his throat so Niall stays out on the front step though, leaning forward to just brush the faintest hint of his lips across Liam's cheek. Liam can feel the barely there stubble against him and his knees nearly buckle. 

"Merry Christmas Liam." Niall whispers, breath ghosting over him because he's still leant in close. Liam lets his eyes flutter closed for a moment, breathing him in before Niall pulls away. "I'll see you in a few days." 

"Yeah." Liam finally manages to speak, just as Niall takes a step backwards. There's a faint flickering in his eyes but neither of them dwell on it, Niall's already down the first step and Liam has to turn away and shut the door before he lunges after him and draws him into his bed. 

He takes a few breaths, back flush against his front door before he moves into his living room to turn off the Christmas lights so he can crawl into bed and forget about it. Flickering red and green lights bounce off something shiny and he pauses because out of the corner of his eye he can see a lone present lying under the tree that wasn't there this morning. He picks it up, heart thudding and stomach twisting as he flips it over and reads the tag. 

For L, Lot's of Love N x

*

He leaves London late on Christmas Eve, hoping to spend as little time with his family as possible. He knows that he's terrible for thinking like that but he just can't deal with the constant questions over his life. He's stuck on potato peeling duty because he arrives after dinner, his mother tutting and handing him a peeler after he opens the kitchen door. He's missed dinner and the traditional opening of one present after it but he doesn't mind, the only one he wants to open is still tucked in the side pocket of his coat. His mother is fussing around with the turkey, trying to get it ready before the morning and Liam starts into the mountain of potatoes, ignoring the smirks Ruth sends him as she uncorks a bottle of wine from the fridge and pours her, Nicola and their mother a glass.

"Uncle Liam?" Enquires a quiet voice down by his knee. 

"Yes?" Liam responds dropping a freshly peeled potato into a saucepan and grabbing another from the bag. Molly climbs onto the chair beside her mum and stares over the counter at him. She has reindeer antlers pressed into her curly hair and looks impossibly sweet. 

"Why don't you have a Mrs. Liam?" She asks sweetly, all wide eyes and blonde wispy hair. She has a smudge of chocolate on her cheek and a green Quality Street is squished in her fist. Liam freezes, potato dropping out of his hand with a thud into the kitchen skink, his mum has paused too. Ruth and Nicola laugh but drop off quickly when they catch Liam’s reaction and realise that it isn't all that funny after all. 

"Because I don't at the minute." Liam shrugs, mind struggling to come up with an adequate answer for a four year old. Molly frowns, picking green tinfoil out of her palm before she licks a stripe up it with her tongue. 

"But mummy has daddy and auntie Nicola has uncle Tom and granny has grandpa but you're all alone." Molly continues sucking on her chocolate covered thumb. 

Liam picks up the potato again, eyes burning from staring at it so hard.

"Why don't you have a girlfriend?" Molly asks bluntly, chocolate all gone from her fingers and smeared around her lips instead. "You need a wife so you can have a baby and be a real family." 

The potato flies out of his hand again but this time he just leaves it in the sink, his hands gripping the edge of the counter to make sure he doesn't fall over instead. He's breathing a bit harder and he's kidding himself if he thinks that all the women in the room haven't noticed. 

"Liam used to have a girlfriend sweetie." Ruth says gently. Liam's chest twists as he thinks of Danielle and how long ago it was. "And then he - "

His head snaps up and around to glare at his sister, what's she going to say? Then he broke up with her because he realised he liked men? That he fell in love with his best friend?

"Didn't." She finishes rather lamely, eyes flickering between her daughter and her little brother. She looks embarrassed but Liam can’t find space in his head to feel sorry for her. 

"Why don't we get you cleaned up." Nicola intervenes capturing Molly's attention before she asks another awkward question. "You can tell me all about what you want Santa to bring you." 

"I want a new bike and a new barbie and a Cinderella dress and - " Molly launches into a list, counting off on her fingers as Nicola helps her off the chair and leads her out of the kitchen. Once the door swings shut Ruth turns to him, face pinched.

"I'm so sorry Liam." She's nearly begging him. His mum finally looks over to him and he notices that her eyes look watery and he recognises the look behind them instantly as pity. 

"It's fine." Liam says tightly dropping the vegetable peeler and pushing off the counter towards the door. "I'm just going to get some air." 

"She's been learning about family in school and I didn't think that she would ask you and Liam, please I'm sorry - " Ruth looks like she's about to follow him but he shakes his head, not looking up in case they see how upset he is. He staggers down the hallway, he can still hear Molly listing things all the way upstairs in the bathroom before he manages to unlock the front door and get out into the cold crisp Christmas air. 

He takes a few shuddery breaths, sinking down onto the front step and letting his head rest against his knees. Of course this wasn't what he had wanted, 26 and no family, no partner and no friends, an empty flat and a failing career. When he was younger he had always seen himself as a family man, settled down and happy by the age of 25, popping out kids and raking in money but then he fucked up the band and he fucked up Danielle and he fucked up Niall. 

He pulls the package out of his pocket and stares at the label, following the loops of Niall's handwriting until it's blurry and he can't see it anymore. He hasn't built up the courage to open it yet and it feels heavy in his pocket, always lingering in the back of his mind. There's a shift behind him and then his mum is dropping onto the porch beside him. Liam rubs at his eyes with one hand and tries to pocket the present with the other but she's too quick, grabbing it and scanning the card.

"Ah." She sighs, folding the card gently and passing it back to him. "I think I know what's going on." 

"You do?" Liam chokes out, hoping she’s got it right because then he won’t have to explain it to her. 

She reaches up around him, pulling him in against her shoulder like she used to do when he was young. It's more comforting than Liam wants to admit so he sits there, head nestled against her and breathing in the cool air and her perfume. 

"Niall's back." She says simply, hand smoothing down his shoulder to squeeze at his arm. "And so are your feelings for him." 

She's right, and it sounds so simple when she says it. It's all muddled in his head but that's basically it. Liam nods against her, too afraid to speak in case a sob escapes his mouth instead. 

“Do you want to start something with him again?” She asks him quietly after a few moments of rocking him against her. Liam sighs into her jumper and sits up straight. 

“I don’t know.” He answers honestly, because he doesn’t really. “He told me that he loved me. But he was really drunk when he said it. Then he apologised.” 

She nods, silently wrapping her hand around his palm. 

“Ok.“ She murmurs as the wind picks up around them. Liam shivers curling closer to her on instinct and she offers him a warm smile. “And do you love him?” 

“Yeah I suppose I do, never stopped really.” Liam sighs. It feels like a weight has been lifted off his shoulders as he finally admits it.

“That’s what I thought.” She sighs sadly and pats his knee. “Come inside, I’ll make you something to eat and you can open this present of yours.” 

Liam nods numbly and lets her pull him to his feet, shuffling into the house behind her. 

*

Molly has the whole house up at the crack of dawn and Liam has just barely fallen asleep since he spent the whole night tossing and turning in his childhood bed, the tiny silver package sitting on his bedside table beside his clock as it ticked closer to the morning. 

He makes coffee, the proper kind send it’s Christmas and pulls the cello tape off the present standing at the sink while he waits for it to brew before he can chicken out. Everyone else is in the living room, smiling and laughing as Molly tears through her presents. 

The paper falls away and Liam frowns, finding a USB stick and a piece of cheap file paper wrapped around it. 

Merry Christmas Liam, I hope you’re having a nice day and big love to the family. I wrote this a little while ago and had hidden it away but I thought you might like to hear it. Love Niall x

Liam turns the USB over in his hand, moving through the kitchen and back upstairs where he can pull his laptop out of his bag. He pulls out earphones as well because he doesn’t want any of his family hearing it. He’s nervous, guessing the song is probably about him and he’s not sure if he can handle it.

He finds the lone file quickly and before he’s really prepared for it Niall’s voice is floating into his ears and Liam’s stomach is in knots. 

It’s a simple song, with just Niall’s voice and his guitar. Liam wishes it was a video so he could watch him, eyes cast down towards the strings, forehead dipped in concentration. Liam’s chest feels tight when he hits replay, falling back onto his pillows with his laptop on his chest and Niall’s voice in his ears. 

It’s a love song, short and meaningful and not necessarily sad. He plays it fourteen times until he has every rise and fall of Niall’s voice memorized, every intake of breath and scrape of fingernails against a guitar string. He can hear Niall’s voice hitch over the second bridge and knows that he’s smiling when it comes to the last verse. It’s sweet, warming him just as much as it confuses him and makes him love Niall just that bit more.

*

Merry Christmas Niall. The song is beautiful xx

*

Promo starts the minute he gets back to London. He spent New Years holed up with his parents, eating too much chocolate and sipping slowly at champagne his mum had found in the cupboard but he’s glad to get away from them and back to the city. 

The first interview is in a fancy building in the middle of London, it's with a new teen magazine that wasn't around when One Direction were big but Harry's been on the cover every month since May so his team think it's a good place to start. There’s a huge cardboard cut out of him in the hallway beside a water cooler and a potted plant. A few years ago he would’ve laughed until he was crying but it just makes him feel queasy. 

He takes one look at the busy office and locks himself in the toilet before shakily phoning the first number that comes into his head.

"What's up?" Niall asks, "Aren't you supposed to be starting promo today?" 

And just like that his chest doesn't feel just as tight.

"Yeah." Liam sighs out, sliding down the wall of the cubicle so he can sit on the cold floor. "I'm freaking out. Last time I did any of this there were four more people with me." 

Niall's quiet for a few moments before he sighs softly. 

"Liam you have to stop doubting yourself." He murmurs. "You'll do great. People will love you. You were always the best at interviews anyway."

It's a lie, that was always Harry but Liam ignores it, taking comfort in Niall‘s words instead. 

"Yeah?" Liam asks, fighting the butterflies in his stomach. "Yeah." He repeats more determined. 

Niall laughs at him over the line and it sounds more beautiful than Liam can handle at this moment in time. 

"I should probably go." Liam sighs, reluctant to hang up. He wishes that Niall was here with him, sitting beside him in a conference room and helping him with the answers. 

"Yeah." He can tell Niall is smiling. "What about you come round to mine after you're done? We can chill out? I'll make dinner."

"Make dinner?" Liam asks because his mind is still whirring at being invited over and he can‘t stop his mouth moving. Niall laughs again. 

"Ok, I'll order in dinner." He corrects himself. Liam grins even though Niall can't see him. "Right, off you go Mr. Popstar. You'll smash it, I promise." 

"Thanks Niall." Liam tells him quietly. Niall hums happily. 

"Anytime Liam." Niall says before he's gone and Liam can only hear his own deep breathing echoed off the tiles.

*

Harry answers Niall's door in his boxers and Liam nearly dies on the spot. His face flushes and his stomach twists, mind racing at all the irrational implications he can think of. 

"Hey man." Harry grins, friendly as ever. He's already going in for the hug, half naked and as if they hadn't been strangers for the past two years. "Long time eh?" 

"Yeah." Liam murmurs quietly, standing stock still. Harry hugs around his rigid shoulders anyway, unperturbed that he doesn't hug back. He pulls back, grinning widely and ushering him inside. 

"Come on in." He tells him, walking back into Niall's house like he owns it. Liam has never been here before but the moment he walks in he can tell that Niall owns the place. It’s simply decorated, photos in silver frames hung on the wall and clutter taking up space on all the available surfaces. There’s a pile of trainers stacked up to the left of the front door and a stack of snapbacks on the table. Liam wonders if he still wears them and can’t help the nervous giggle at the back of his throat at the thought of him wearing them when he’s this much older. 

"Hey." Niall grins at him from the kitchen. There's something simmering on the stove and the whole room smells delicious. Harry slips behind Niall, hand reaching out graze the small of his back and then hold his hip as he reaches past him to stir at the pot. Liam's stomach twists and he has to look away. 

"So how did the rest of the day go?" Niall asks him, reaching for a spoon to taste whatever it is they're cooking together. He hmmms, lips still wrapped around silver before he dips in again and holds it up for Harry to taste. 

"Ok I guess." Liam says a little faintly because Harry is licking the spoon and nodding along to himself, reaching for the pepper to grind into the pot. Niall grins at him, filling the spoon again. 

"That's great. Want a taste?" He offers him the spoon. "I was gonna order in but Harry was here anyway so I thought I'd exploit his cooking skills."

Harry rolls his eyes but gives Niall a fond smile before finally stepping away from where he’s pressed up against Niall's back and sipping at a bottle of beer. Liam takes the spoon, trying to ignore the way Harry's eyes track his movements when he puts the spoon to his mouth and swallows. It does taste good and annoyance niggles at him because it's Harry that made it and he doesn‘t want to give him the satisfaction. 

"Tastes good." Liam tells Niall so he doesn't have to look at Harry but he can see his grin from the corner of his eye. 

"Great." Niall enthuses reaching up into the cupboard beside Liam. He smells of sweat and spices. "It should be ready soon." Niall tells him, stepping back hands full of pasta. "Make yourself at home Liam." 

"Yeah." Harry encourages from where's he's lounging against the fridge, clearly very much at home already. Liam nods robotically, stepping out of the kitchen and into the living room. He drops his bag and kicks off his shoes before he glances around the room. The TV is on in the corner, paused at something, the picture blurry so he can't make out what they were watching before they started to cook. On the coffee table there’s a few empty bottles of beer and the blanket strewn over the sofa is tangled and rumpled burning the image of Niall and Harry snuggled under it into the back of his mind. There's a huge mirror above the mantelpiece and all around the room he can see his face repeated in silver frames, young and happy. He can see down the hallway that the plaques they'd been given over the years are all hung up, side by side. It makes his stomach roll because he doesn't even know where he put his frames, torn from the wall when he couldn't bear to look at them any longer and the knowledge that Niall is still really proud of them curdles in his stomach until he has to look away from them. 

Niall laughs from the doorway of the kitchen at something Harry says. Bending slightly in the middle with the weight of it before he straightens up, grin still on his face. 

"Grub's up." He tells Liam holding out a plate and walking over to the sofa. It's typical of Niall not to have a dining table but Liam can't really talk, he never uses his except to pile washing on top of when he takes it off the radiator. He never has anyone round for dinner anyway while he expects that Niall is always socialising here.

He slides onto the sofa beside him anyway, trying to keep a space between them when Harry takes the floor at their feet, back pressed against Niall's knees as they both dig into their pasta. Liam doesn't feel hungry anymore, his head's a mess and every single thing they're doing is just making his stomach hurt more and more. He takes a few mouthfuls but they lay heavy in his belly so he plays with his food while Harry and Niall wolf down their meals. Liam feels awkward with the pair of them even though neither of them seem too bothered.

"Oh hey." Harry says finally tipping his head back against Niall's knee cap so he can catch Liam's eye. "I meant to say, I heard the single. It sounds really good." 

Liam's blood runs cold and he glances round at Niall who looks back, smile on his face and pasta sauce dribbling down his chin. 

"You played it to him?" Liam asks. In the back of his mind he knows he's being irrational and ridiculously rude but he had trusted Niall when he had brought him in and he feels a bit betrayed that he turned around to played it to Harry without a second thought.

The smile falls off Niall's face and Harry twists around to look at him properly, eyes widening when he realises he's put his foot in it.

"Yeah." Niall says slowly, confusion clouding his eyes now. "I didn't think it would be a problem, I play Harry nearly everything." 

That's just a twist of the knife to Liam. "But this was mine." 

"It was really good." Harry pipes up again, trying to take the heat off Niall and emphasise that he's not messing Liam about. "It'll do really well." 

Liam scoffs and glares down at Harry. 

"Don't patronise me Harry." Liam snaps and stands up, plate of pasta nearly toppling over in the process. He catches it and slams the plate down on the coffee table before it can spill. 

"I didn't think you would mind." Niall stresses, scrambling up onto his knees in the middle of the sofa, blanket pooling around his knees and fork lying limp in his hand. "Liam, please don't go." 

Liam pauses, half way through pulling his shoes on. He glances up and Niall is giving him his trademark puppy eyed frown. 

"I - " Liam clears his throat because he's getting quite worked up over this. "I didn't think you would turn around and play it to him. Him of all - " He cuts himself when Harry sits back with a wounded look on his face and Niall's eyes dip further. 

"Liam you have to stop thinking we all hate you." He says quietly. "None of us do."

Liam has to hold his fist to his mouth so he doesn't say something stupid and walks out of the room before either of them can stop him. 

*

Liam gets up so early the next morning the sun is hardly up in the sky. He potters about in his kitchen, mind full of all things Niall and Harry before he pulls on his trainers and goes on his first run in months.

The burn in his thighs helps him ease the burn in his chest. He feels like a bit of idiot that he reacted that way but there’s still an annoyance deep in the back of his mind. He somehow ends up on Niall's road but considering yesterday evening hasn't left his head all night it isn't that surprising really. 

"Morning." Niall yawns when he opens the door on the third knock. He's looking at him expectantly and doesn't invite him in. Liam shifts his weight on the doorstep and watches as Niall slowly blinks the sleep out of his eyes. 

"I'm sorry about last night." Liam blurts out when Niall has a fist curled into an eye and is rubbing with a frown on his face. The frown deepens and Niall drops his fist. 

"Oh." He murmurs, leaning up against the doorframe and shivering in the cool morning air. He's wearing boxers and a stretched t-shirt that nearly slips off his shoulders it's so big. It can’t possibly belong to him and it unsettles Liam for a moment that it’s probably Harry’s. Liam tries not to look at his legs or think about Harry, who he imagines is lying naked and fast asleep in the middle of Niall's bed right now. 

"I was being childish." Liam continues and Niall watches him from his spot at the door. Liam feels exposed on the top step but the street is deserted for this time of morning. "You can do whatever you want in your life, and if that means you and Harry then I'm fine with that." 

He regrets saying the moment the words leave his mouth but Liam is feeling more flustered by the minute so he just takes a step back, risking a glance up at Niall who is still half asleep and trying to work out what he said. 

"I'll see you around." Liam tells him quickly, backing away from Niall's door and onto the proper path.

"Liam." Niall says in bewilderment. "Me and Harry - "

Liam wants to jam his thumbs in his ears and start humming because Niall is getting this stupid fond look on his face, shaking his head a little as he looks down at Liam. He doesn't want to see what expression his face takes whenever Harry is mentioned, because he wishes it was about him instead. 

Niall let's out a bark of laughter and Liam takes a final startled look up at him. 

"There's nothing going on between me and Harry." Niall tells him, grin turning into laughter at the thought of it. "Oh I can't wait to tell him this." 

Liam flushes and falters at the bottom of the steps. "But yesterday..."

Niall stares down at him, smile faltering slightly when he sees how confused Liam is about this. 

"Harry's my best friend." He shrugs. "And he gets naked a lot. Have you forgotten what it was like to be in a band with him already? We all practically lived in each others pockets and Harry‘s love of nudity was never really a secret."

Liam feels silly now and he knows instantly how much he's over reacted. Niall gives him a once over and Liam would rather the ground swallow him up right there and then. Five years ago he never would have given their behaviour a second thought but he's been away from the four of them for too long now. He supposes this is what they must have looked like to the outside world, half naked and hanging over each other. No wonder girls went mad.

“Oh.” Liam breathes making Niall laugh loudly again. 

“Jealousy looks good on you.” Niall tells him fondly giving him another slow once over with his eyes. Liam flushes and shifts his weight but Niall just follows the motions with a wry grin before he pushes off the doorframe.

"Right fuck off home, I'm away back to bed." Niall grins again stepping back into his hallway. "Far too early for this Payne! Me and Harry! Ha!" 

The door slams shut before Liam can even call goodbye, not that he was going to anyway because his tongue is stuck to the roof of his mouth and he doesn't think he could get it to work if he wanted to. 

*

Niall appears at his door a fortnight later on Sunday evening because Niall can never hold a grudge and he knows that Liam is getting pretty good at keeping them. They haven't spoken to each other since Liam found out that Niall and Harry are not an item mostly because Liam had been too embarrassed to pick up the phone. It's been sitting down the side of the sofa for over a week, only surfacing when he clicks onto Niall's twitter feed to see what he's been up to. He feels wrong checking up on Niall that way but he assumes it’s no different to the millions of others who follow him. 

It's nearly four and Liam has been dreading it all week, he's refused to go up home with his family and the record company didn't even offer to throw a party because the numbers don't look promising at all.

"I brought Chinese." Niall tells him matter of factly, pushing past him into the hallway. Liam stands there, he hadn't expected him to turn up but feeling comforted by it after all. He hasn't eaten anything all day and the smell of food is making his stomach growl. Niall grins at him, eyes a little tight but warm never the less when he hands him a plate of food and walks back into the living room. The chart kicks off at 4 on the dot, playing from the sound system Liam hardly ever uses over by the window and as soon as the theme plays Liam's stomach is in knots. 

"I can't eat yet." He murmurs pushing his plate into the centre of the coffee table. Niall nods, giving him a reassuring grin around a mouthful of rice. 

"Don't be worried." Niall tells him once he's swallowed. "It'll do great." 

There's a false hope in his voice because Niall, as producer, has been getting the numbers all week too and he knows that it's going to bomb just as much as Liam does. Liam just nods, listening to the chart begin to count down and curling into the corner of the sofa. 

It charts at number 32 and even though he knew all week that this was going to happen, it still stings. He sinks further into the sofa, shoulders deflating and blinking hard to quell the sudden urge to cry. It sounds so real coming through the speakers of the radio. 

Niall pauses, swallowing hard and pushing his plate away too. He turns on the cushion beside him and offers Liam a timid smile. Liam can't even muster the energy to pretend, just let's his face twist until Niall's leaning forward to gather him into his arms. 

"Hey hey." Niall whispers, thumb rubbing over the back of his neck in a way that reminds him of years before. "It's alright Liam, it was your first single back in a while and we didn't do everything we could to build up the hype. The next one will do better, I promise." 

Liam just listens to him, bitter disappointment rolling around in his empty stomach. Niall rocks him to the side, humming something into his ear to try and tune out the chart that is still counting down from the radio in the corner and is now blaring out Harry's single that's still in the chart since before Christmas. 

He feels a warm hand on his shoulder before it slips around to massage at the nape of his neck, fingers creeping up to twist into the back of his hair. Heat floods into his chest because Niall remembers how much he likes that. 

"Charts don't matter anyway." Niall whispers softly beside him. Liam nods automatically, the words doing little to soothe the disappointment still burning in his belly. He curls into Niall's arms anyway, trying to ignore how pathetic he feels. Niall runs his hand through his hair again, scratching slightly on the downward pull that makes Liam want to shiver. "Not now, you've got plenty of people out there that still want to hear your stuff." 

Liam pulls back a little, looking up past Niall's chin to where he's smiling down at him. He's got that optimistic gleam in his eyes that seemed to perpetually live in his eyes back in the days when Liam first fell in love with him. He would quite like to kiss him like this. He's not sure when that went from a mere thought to action but one minute he's licking his lips and the next he's got them pressed against Niall's. 

Niall tastes like honey and chilli. He presses forward, surging up to his knees so he can kiss him properly, licking out to gather sticky spice and sweet against his tongue. Niall's hand tightens in his hair for a moment before he pulls back, breathing harshly through his nose and an intense expression on his face. 

"What was that?" He asks, an edge to his voice that Liam still isn't used to. Liam looks at him, stumped for what to say. Niall shakes his head, edging away until they're barely touching. "I'm not going to do this when you're upset." 

"That's not - " Liam starts but Niall is shaking his head again and standing up. 

"I can‘t do it like this." Niall tells him, gathering the plates so he has something to do and walking into the kitchen. “It’s not fair, you’re upset and I’m - I’m upset for you too. It feels like I’m taking advantage of you.” 

"You're not." Liam tells him desperately, climbing over the back of the sofa and staggering after him. He lays a hand on Niall's shoulder. "It's been so long." So long since Danielle, since Niall, since tour and everything went wrong. “I - I need this Niall.” 

Niall shrugs him off, turning to him with a sharp gaze. "I'm definitely not here for a pity fuck." Niall breathes deeply for a few moments, face twisting. "This can't be like before Liam. I won't be taken for granted like I was before."

It stings like a slap across his face and Liam feels suddenly ashamed. Niall stares at him for a moment as if he can't believe it, waiting for him to deny it but truthfully he can't so Niall edges around him and leaves through the front door. Liam crumples against the front of the cooker, regret already trickling into him as the chart counts down into the top twenty. 

*

The record company is reluctant to give him another chance at recording a single and Liam can't really blame them, there's no point if he's never going to make an album. Joe hmm’s and haaa’s for forty minutes until his assistant pulls him out into the hallway. Liam feels like the fight has left him so he wipes his sweaty palms on his jeans and waits until he returns - ready to take the rejection with a brave smile on his face.

"That was the big boss." Joe tells him with a sigh when he sits down again. "Apparently Niall has some plans for you, so we can record another song and then gage whether we'll release it to the public." 

It's not a brilliant plan but it's better than nothing. His stomach twists at the sound of Niall's name and hopes he hasn't ruined the professional relationship between them, even though he's pretty sure he already has. 

He leaves the building in a daze, walking up the road to a coffee shop he sometimes sits in when he can‘t face going home. His house is beginning to feel like the walls are closing in and he needs to gather up enough courage to phone Niall and apologise yet again. 

He's slumped in an armchair near the window with a cup of lukewarm tea when someone clears his throat above him.

"How did you find me?" Liam asks, stomach dropping and heart picking up speed because Harry is glaring down at him. 

"Some of the old updates twitters have started mentioning you again." Harry explains falling into the seat opposite him. Liam looks around a little startled and now that Harry mentions it, there's a few giggling girls in the corner who look keep glancing over in his direction. 

"Oh." Liam shrugs. "And what was it that you urgently needed to talk to me about that couldn't be over the phone?" 

"What have you done to Niall?" Harry asks bluntly, reaching out to steal half of Liam's untouched blueberry muffin. 

"What do you mean what have I done to him?" Liam asks, dread already creeping into him.

Harry raises his eyebrows and chews slowly. "He's been hiding out in my house for the past week and anytime I mention your name he gets all snappy." 

Liam swallows but doesn't say anything. The knowledge that he’s making Niall hide from him makes his chest ache.

"I know you haven't experienced it in a while but mopey Niall is a very sad sight to see." Harry continues, voice turning a little fond. "And I want to know if I should punch you for pissing him off." 

Liam flushes. "You probably should." 

Harry narrows his eyes and just stares at him, waiting for him to continue. 

"I might have kissed him." Liam says in a tiny voice. He traces his fingers through a ring of sugar on the table and ignores how Harry inhales sharply at the confession. "After the single charted badly on Sunday, and then I might have implied that I was a bit desperate for it." 

"Christ Liam." Harry breathes, reaching out to still his hand. He lets his hand settle over Liam's for a moment before he slips it under so he can interlock their fingers. Liam looks up at him but he's blurry through his watery eyes. 

"Why are you being so nice to me?" Liam can't help but ask. Harry huffs out a laugh before he gets up and squeezes onto the armchair next to Liam and pulling him into a half hug. Liam curls into him the way he used to seeking out the comforting weight of his arm around his shoulders. The girls in the corner nearly self combust. 

"Because even though it's been years and after all we've been through, I still think of you as one of my friends." Harry tells him quietly. "One of my brothers. We‘ll always be family even if we fell out for a while." 

Liam swallows around the lump in his throat and just nods into his shoulder. Harry gathers him up closer and sighs into his hair, hand rubbing down his bicep in comforting sweeps. 

"Let's get all this sorted out eh?" Harry suggests quietly, tugging a reluctant Liam out of the chair and out the door. 

*

Harry's house is magnificent, far bigger than Liam's and even Niall's. It's on the nicest edge of town and Liam supposes this is the result of his recent solo success. Harry ushers him through the front door and drops his keys onto the cluttered table in the hallway. Inside the house is just as Liam expected it - messy.

"Niall!" Harry yells into the house as he loses his coat and piles it on top of others on the end of the banister. Liam follows suit and then walks further into the house after Harry. There's a tinkering of piano keys that gets louder the further he walks down the hallway. Liam notices with a sting that Harry has all his plaques up on the walls as well, alternated with fancy art that Harry must think looks really cool. 

"What?" Niall calls just as they enter a room beside the kitchen. There's a piano in the corner and Niall is slumped over it, left hand scratching notes onto a piece of paper while the other taps out a few melodies. Even when he's supposed to be moping he can't not be productive. He looks up and misses a note, the sound dead amongst the others when he sees Liam standing timidly behind Harry. 

"Look who I ran into." Harry says brightly making Niall scowl at him.

"How coincidental." Niall mutters sarcastically and throws his pencil down, crossing his arms across his chest. 

“I’ll leave you two to chat.“ Harry beams at him, clapping Liam on the shoulder as he edges out of the room. 

Without him Liam is at a loss of what to say, he had ran over a few scenarios in the car but now his mind is blank. Niall raises an eyebrow at him and then goes back to plinking notes out on the piano. He shifts to the edge of the stool, reaching over for the higher notes and if Liam isn't reading it wrong he's pretty sure that it was an invitation to sit down. 

He perches at the edge of the stool and Niall pauses, scribbling something else down before running through it again. It takes Liam a moment before he realises the melody and he feels heat flush through his body.

"This is the song." He breathes out because his voice won't go any louder. Niall freezes, finger over middle C. He recognises it from Christmas and all the times he’s listened to it since. 

"Yeah." Niall replies, hitting the ivory and continuing on. "I've been trying to work out a melody for the end verse."

"It sounds different on the piano." Liam comments, he's only heard it on the guitar, quick and rough with Niall's voice over it and recorded sloppily on his laptop. Niall nods beside him, reaching over to try it up near Liam's end. His forearm brushes against his elbow and Liam shivers. Niall pauses again, a deep breath audible in the silence of the room.

"We should record it." Liam tells him before he loses his nerve. Niall turns his head to the side but still doesn't look up at him. He reaches for his notebook and scores something out, replacing it with a different note. "I only get one more chance. You got me one more chance at recording."

Silence stretches between them. 

"I have to make it worth it." Liam murmurs and Niall tenses beside him, fingers curled around his pencil. He nods once, fingers moving decisively back to the keys in front of him. 

"I'm sorry about the other night." Liam whispers and the music stops again. Niall's shoulders deflate and he waits for Liam to continue. "I shouldn't have kissed you like that. I shouldn‘t have said those things." 

"I'm never going back to how it was before." Niall repeats with a defiant edge. He's turned a little so he's facing him slightly but his head is still down. 

"I know." Liam nods and he does. Last time he took Niall for granted, not realising what he had until it was gone and he never wants to make that mistake again. Niall nods once, shoulders relaxing. He takes a deep breath and reaches over to take Liam’s hand in his own. 

“Here.” He murmurs, tapping out a simple melody. “You do that bit.” 

Liam inhales deeply and then copies the pattern. It’s been a while since he’s tried playing piano and it surprises him how well Niall can play it now. Niall nods encouragingly, moving back to his side of the piano and starting to play something a bit more complicated over it. Liam smiles over at him - it sounds great. Niall starts to hum before actually starting to sing and Liam’s fingers nearly falter at the sound of his voice. It sounds so much better live than it did in the grainy recording he got as a gift.

Liam joins in the second time they run through it and it’s Niall who nearly messes up before he laughs lightly and joins in with the second part of the chorus, eyes flicking up to meet Liam’s before they duck shyly back down to the piano, slipping back into an easy harmony. 

*

Harry demands to video record them performing the song, not taking ‘no’ for an answer, and uploads it onto his twitter account. Liam’s mentions explode in a way they haven’t done for years and he has to turn his notifications off again. Niall just offers him a small grin, blush spreading crimson over his cheeks when he reads some of the tweets that are flailing over how good it sounds with a modest shrug. 

“Just wrote what I was feeling.” Niall tells him shyly and it makes Liam’s stomach turn to jelly. He’s probably reading too much into it but the fact that it was written for him makes him feel a little faint. 

Joe catches wind of the video and demands that he gets into the studio as soon as possible to record it. Niall goes with him, staying firmly on the opposite side of the glass.

“No.” He shakes his head one evening when Harry drops by. Liam has been trying to get on better terms with Harry and it’s slowly building into a friendship again. “I told you before Harry. I’m not going to release anything anymore.” 

“But it sounds really good with us together.” Liam tells him. He’s in the booth but Harry has his fist down on the intercom button so he can hear the conversation. Niall laughs, shaking his head and rolling away from the desk on his chair so he can look at Liam in the eye through the glass. 

“It’s your single Liam.” He tells him making Harry scoff. “I’ll help you all you want with the production and the writing but I don’t want to sing on it.” 

Liam pouts and when Niall looks around he see Harry trying to keep a straight face. 

“No.” Niall tells him again, hitting a button so the track starts to play again. “From the top!” 

Liam laughs and it comes out huskily over the microphone before he starts into the first verse. Niall shivers, making a note to add it into the final mix and spins in his chair so he can stare through the glass. Liam looks comfortable in the booth again, in stark contrast to how he looked at the beginning. Liam catches his gaze, dissolving into laughter and messing up the take. Harry snorts beside him but Niall just grins to himself and presses the track again. 

When he’s done and has made his way out of the booth and into the mixing room, Niall grins at him, pulling him into a tight hug. He pretends Harry isn’t there watching on and presses a quick kiss to the corner of his mouth that leaves Liam flustered for the rest of the evening and hardly able to record anything else. 

*

Liam plunges into promo and hardly sees Niall because he’s so busy. The new single is released quickly, admit the hype that he and Niall created. He allows Niall to drag him along to Harry’s first tour date in London and he welcomes the distraction. They slip into the green room backstage just before he’s about to go on. It’s packed and Liam recognises some of the people from the days when they worked for One Direction as well. Niall waves at everyone, seemingly knowing them all and pulls Liam in by the wrist, keeping him tucked by his side. Harry’s mum and sister smile at him warmly but hug Niall and chat easily with him and Liam realises just how far his self imposed silence after the break up has trickled, all these people are strangers to him now. 

They watch from the side of the stage because the show is sold out and Niall has his hand curled around Liam’s wrist for most of the time. Liam stands beside him, warmth from Niall’s palm and jealousy of Harry out on the stage mingling inside his head. He wants to be out there and it only makes him more determined to make his last chance work. 

There’s an after party and Niall looks torn between following Harry and going home with Liam. He wordlessly follows him to his car though and Liam can feel the change in atmosphere between them almost immediately. They stay quiet the whole way home, Niall’s hand brushing against his when they both reach for the radio at the same time. Liam shivers in his seat, not looking over to Niall beside him and drives straight to his house without a word. Niall frowns over at him whenever they miss the turn off to Niall’s house, just smiles softly whenever he catches up on Liam’s plan.

“Harry’s show was good.” Niall comments when they reach his apartment and climb out of the car. Liam can feel the nervous energy radiating off him and wishes it wasn’t making him so nervous as well. Liam nods distractedly as he unlocks the door and lets him through before him. He just about has the door closed when Niall has him pressed up against the doorframe, breathing his air but not kissing him yet. 

“Are you sure about this?” Niall asks him timidly. Liam nods, eyes slipping down to Niall’s lips. They’re shiny from where he’s licked them and Liam just wants to taste them. “I’m not sure this can be a one night thing.” 

Liam’s breath hitches, gaze flicking up to meet Niall’s suddenly intense one. This is it, the deal breaker. He meets his gaze just as fierce and feels his head nod and then Niall’s suddenly pressing in, licking into his mouth. They find a familiar rhythm, kissing easily as Niall pushes his hands under Liam’s shirt and sweeping his palms over the plains of his skin. Liam can’t help letting out little moan whenever Niall pulls away, dragging Liam along with him and they stumble along towards the bedroom. 

“Is this moving too fast?” Liam queries but Niall doesn’t seem to mind, already pulling his shirt over his head and moving to get Liam’s off too.

“Probably.” Niall agrees, reaching out to drag Liam down on top of him by his waistband. Liam follows him easily, grinding down with a laugh and then a gasp. 

Niall rolls on top of him, making quick work of his zip and shoving his jeans down his thighs. Liam wants to tell him he loves him but doesn‘t want to scare him away so he cups Niall‘s jaw, pulling him up for another sweet kiss as hands run all over him and he cants his hips up into his grip.

*

His phone buzzes early the next morning and wakes him up. The sheets beside him are warm but empty and for a heart lurching moment Liam fears the worst but he takes a few calming breaths and puts more trust in Niall.

“Hello?” Liam croaks into his phone, still half asleep. 

“Liam.” Joe cries over the phone. “Great news Liam! The single is already at number one on iTunes!” Liam‘s heart flips, he had nearly forgotten it had been released at midnight. He truly hadn‘t expected for it to do so well after the flop of the last one. Joe is still talking to him over the phone but Liam isn’t really listening to him anymore, he feels like he‘s going to burst. It’s hard to process, getting the success he always wanted with a single and Niall all in one sitting. 

“Yeah that‘s great.” Liam tells him before saying goodbye and hanging up, he can deal with him later. Instead he rolls out of bed, shivering at the sudden cool air compared to his cosy bed and makes his way to where he can hear a clatter in the kitchen. Niall is standing at the fridge, leaning on the door as he looks in, his other hand scratching idly at his stomach. Liam notices with a jolt that he‘s wearing a pair of his boxers and he likes the lick of heat that sweeps through his stomach at that. Niall looks over his shoulder and throws him a soft eyed grin.

“Morning.” He murmurs, throat rough as he reaches for a carton of orange juice. “Sleep well?” 

Liam laughs in response and it sounds giddy, it‘s the best he‘s slept in a long time, wrapped up around Niall. Niall‘s grin grows as he pours out a glass and shuffles across the kitchen so he can sling an arm around his waist and press a kiss to his shoulder. 

“What are your plans for today?” Niall asks him quietly, sipping at his glass of orange juice before setting it on the counter behind Liam. Liam can’t contain his grin, pulling him closer.

“I’m going to celebrate my song reaching number 1 on iTunes.” Niall’s face lights up at Liam’s words. “By keeping you in bed all day.” 

“Sounds like a quite a plan.” Niall grins, nuzzling into his shoulder, pushing lightly at his side to get him to move. Liam laughs, curving his mouth to Niall’s temple before pulling him gently from the kitchen and steering him back towards bed.

He still can’t quite believe it when Niall flops down into the already rumpled sheets, pulling him down on top of him - but he loves his live.


End file.
